It's not procrastination. It's a sensory reset. 💥

Why I've been cutting hundreds of fabric squares. ✂️

Thanks for everyone’s support after last week’s post. If you missed it I wrote a coming out post about being nonbinary. 🏳️‍🌈 I expected to lose lots of folks and (so far) it was only 4. 🤷 Maybe all the hardcore conservatives left me when I picketed against Trump. Whoever did unsubscribe they did not announce themselves and I am thankful for that.

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I’ve noticed a cycle within my creative ecosystem.¹

After spending a lot of social energy on a big launch I love to work with my hands.

I first noticed this last year. After fulfilling my book preorders I spent months making the bricolage The Mental Load.²

THE MENTAL LOAD/ 2023 / broken toys, detritus of motherhood / 28” x 25” x 8”

If you’d like to see the process you can click here to see a timelapse. (Or click here for a closeup view of the finished work.)

After the picture book launch the project that chose me is textile.

I’ve been cutting hundreds of fabric squares to make a costume.

Specifically, I am making a gleeman’s cloak from The Wheel of Time (the hyperfocus of my youth). In that world a gleeman is a traveling performer who sings and tells stories. They wear a cloak made of fluttering patches in every color.³

These are 209 out of 350 patches required.

When I started the project I didn’t realize it was about self regulation.

The more I follow my autistic impulses the more intuitive self regulation becomes.

I was just doing what felt right.

It was only when I started drafting this post that I made the connection to last year’s bricolage. Something about the repetitive action of making with my hands and creating something intuitive must help reset my brain. I’ve been observing myself since making this realization and the difference in how I feel before and after is profound.

Does anyone defrag their computer anymore?

I don’t think so, but I am an elder Millennial who defragged my desktop computer to get a few more years out of it.

Defragmentation was basically a way of tidying up storage space on a computer. The computer would take time (a LOT of time) reorganizing files so that they lined up neatly without all the gaps of wasted space.⁴

Defragmentation Screenshot via Wikicommons

That’s what cutting squares feels like. It takes my brain from chaos to order.

From overstimulation to calm.

I see this as the main difference between self regulating activities (sometimes called special interests or hyper focuses) versus regular hobbies. The activity is having a positive neurological effect and improving my ability to function.⁵

I’m acutely aware it looks like procrastination.

I wonder how many of us abandoned healthy coping strategies because we were shamed or criticized for them?

Part of unmasking for me is trying to be less concerned with “how it looks” and to (as

Katherine May

puts it) assume my needs are reasonable.

My brain needs this reset time.

Running a crowdfunding campaign followed by my son’s fourth birthday was incredibly energetically depleting. I knew it was going to take time to recover.

Last week the productivity pressure started to crowd in and look over my shoulder.

It said insidious things that ignored the fact we don’t have childcare. That cutting fabric squares is quite different to writing a book.

It’s easy to forget that this is exactly why we structured this project with an expansive timeline.

This time for self regulation is an integral part of the process. And, of course, my brain is subconsciously puttering away on the book all along.

I might very well sit down and finish the second draft in one sitting.

Sometimes neurodivergent brains move fast - really fast - like lightning. But we can’t maintain that. So we often fall into periods of intense hyperfocus followed by a crushing burn out. I am doing my best to disrupt those patterns.

Just because I can move at a breakneck pace sometimes doesn’t mean I can maintain that.

I am trying to release shame and guilt for utilizing self regulating tools and strategies. And for taking the time I need.

I invite you to do the same.

So, it will be a bit longer before postcards go out to our book hype team (we haven’t forgotten you!) or you get a proper book update.

Unless this a book update?

It may seem unrelated, but this regeneration cycle is definitely an essential part of my creative process.⁶

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Other bits and bobs I’d like to recommend this week.

Books

Aside from sewing I have also been self regulating by reading for hours on end. (This is the first time I have managed to do this since Davy has been born - I am kind of amazed he is “letting” me.)

I managed to finish Rhythm of War (an epic fantasy novel over 1,000 pages) in a couple weeks. I originally started it in 2020, but put it down in because my brain fog wouldn’t let me read anything new. It’s the kind of book that reads much better in long stretches than short bursts and reminded me of how it felt to read as a kid.

Games

We’ve also been playing a LOT of the new Zelda game. It’s become a hyper focus for the whole family over the last month. I am essentially Davy’s squire now dressing him in his tunic and long green cap once or twice a day (the belts are tricky!)

I love the adventure of it!

Climbing mountains, exploring caves, foraging for mushrooms, cooking up campfire meals, and flying around in our paraglider. Not to mention the puzzles. I love the puzzles! Nathan and I have noticed we often solve the puzzles and play the game very differently and I love that there is scope for that!

Davy does Zelda too and his language is exploding. (We’ve been playing in tandem. He uses the left controller running Link’s feet while I use the right controller to direct the camera / direction and the action buttons.)

Would recommend 10/10 for Fantasy nerds (or for the Fantasy-curious.)

Companionship Spotlight

Last month in my creative membership program The Companionship we talked about Substack and some of the members are launching their own publications. I’m going to start featuring them here.

Mandy Sue

is on a quest to find “her thing” in creativity.

Coming soon...

The Companionship opens for members twice a year. The next chance to join will be in autumn. 🍂🍁🌾

Music

This Hamilton inspired version of Itsy Bitsy Spider is inspired. 🕷️

Baking

This is the first year Davy has chosen his own birthday cake. He asked for strawberry. I used this recipe which uses real strawberries and my mom’s cream cheese frosting (below).

This is also her carrot cake, which is one of my absolute favorites. It’s been my birthday cake for the last several years.

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I’ve invented this section as inspiration to browse and close the tabs I keep open on Safari. I am always dangerously close to the 500 tab limit. Hopefully these creative breadcrumbs offer some inspiration.

I’ve spent approximately 3 years trying to find a clip of this segment of Sesame Street. Turns out it was called Alphaquest. Does anyone else remember this?

The image of a hallways of doors opening up to new worlds really stuck with me. The quality isn’t great, but it does exist! I wish Sesame Street had a better archive. I can’t find anywhere that has full episodes from the 80s & 90s. (We did manage to find quite a few of the classic songs though and put them on this playlist for Davy.)

Also…

“Always lift medieval church seats to check out the misericords. I call this one I just found in Poitiers the Queen of Hearts. Off with their heads!” via Michael Livingstone

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A little something from the archives. Here’s what I was writing about this time last year.

One Year Ago

It’s my one year Substack birthday! 🎂 I’ll write more about that next week, but for now here are the first two posts I shared here.

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I’d love to hear from you in comments. What resonated?

Do you relate to feeling guilty doing the things that help you self regulate? Has it been so long since you’ve done something for the joy of it that you’ve forgotten what that might be?

Let’s Discuss!

What would you do if you had a day to yourself and couldn’t work at all?

How can you weave that into your life now?

Cheers,

1. I need to write a post introducing the concept of creative ecosystems. But the basic idea is that we all need different things to thrive as artists and as humans. I wrote a book about it.

2. The Mental Load is currently in the virtual exhibit Cut, Torn, Mended at Spilt Milk Gallery and in their printed zine of the same name.

3. I won a ticket to a Wheel of Time convention this summer and found myself diving head first into making a costume. I’m still not sure if it will be done in time.

4. This is my layperson’s understanding of it. My computer engineer husband may have a more accurate, but much lengthier explanation. Here is a rabbit hole should you require more information.

5. I do not distinguish between “high functioning” or “low functioning” labels for autism. But I am not sure how else to describe what I mean here. By function I mean my personal baseline for forming thoughts, communicating, and getting stuff done. When I am overextended or overstimulated my baseline for forming thoughts, communicating, and getting stuff done decreases. I have physical and mental fatigue. Engaging in self regulating tasks helps me to reset my brain and resume my normal life.

6. Note to self: write about, “The Neurodivergent Regeneration Cycle”.