What happened when I pushed myself too far. 💥

And a confession.

I’m taking a bit of time offline, but I wrote and scheduled this post for you last month. 💌 Thanks for your patience as I answer the comments and messages in my own time. 😘

After my book funded I completely fell apart. I’d been so careful not to push myself too hard during the Indiegogo that I drowned in a deluge of commitments the following week.

Read to the end for the Alice rant you didn’t ask for. 😂

My breakdown was the unfortunate aftereffect of too much.

Too many errands.

Too much time in the car.

Too many doctor visits.

Too much time talking to strangers.

On top of the usual grading, school emails, and end of year teacher gifts, it was also Davy’s third birthday.

I was juggling a bunch of things I “should” be capable of and then WHAM…

One thing too many and I just crumbled.

I’m learning that I have less social bandwidth than I once had.

I’m genuinely out of practice socializing due to the pandemic. But I suspect it may actually be autistic burnout. Exhaustion from years of living in a neurotypical world and no longer having the capacity to mask my autistic traits.

My environment has also changed dramatically since becoming a parent so I’m am generally overstimulated (surrounded by sensory input beyond my capacity to regulate) on a daily basis.

It’s two months after my breakdown and I’m tempted to say I “climbed my way out.”

But I didn’t do that.

Not at all.

I burrowed.

(I napped. I took anxiety medicine. I deleted Instagram. I went for a walk. I read a book. I cancelled plans. I postponed podcasts. I rested while Nathan drove Davy to therapy and cooked dinner.)

And I let my body and brain return to a baseline.

This has been a massive reminder that I can’t just keep pushing myself beyond my limits.

And my limits aren’t where they used to be.

It’s been a reminder to go slowly as we re-enter the world. And recommitment to white space for processing and checking in with myself.

And (this could be a whole post really)…

Asking for accommodations when they would be helpful instead of waiting until I’m at a breaking point.

I’m still learning what autistic accommodations are helpful. So far that looks like: comfortable clothes, captions on the tv, text or email vs. phone calls (a lifesaver for scheduling appointments), sensory reset time (reading in the bath most days), and (after testing a friend’s pair) I’m seriously considering noise cancelling headphones. 🎧

So many of us ignore our own needs until they reach critical levels.

What do you need and how can you ask for it?

Let’s discuss.

P.S. The Alice rant you didn’t ask for. 😂 I’ve found myself using a lot of Disney Alice gifs recently and it feels a bit disingenuous. I have to confess I’ve only seen the film once as a child and told Mom it was “wrong” because my head canon is the 1985 live action version. (I also love the actual books.) 📖

But the only gifs I can find are of the Disney variety. I’ve come to accept this because they’re great visuals and a quick cultural shorthand for Alice’s story. 🐇

I should probably give the film another chance and rewatch it as an adult, but the version below has ALL my nostalgia. 🥰 Plus an all star cast including Sammy Davis Jr., Ringo Starr, Sally Struthers, Carol Channing, and John Stamos (including the Alice Through the Looking Glass sequel.) Truly worth a peek if you haven’t seen it.♟